How do I know if I am in an abusive relationship?
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Red flags to look out for
There are many different kinds of abuse, some subtle and some not so subtle. It's the not so subtle kinds of abuse that we are most familiar with and more easily able to identify. We have seen the movies, where Jennifer Lopez gets beaten black and blue in 'Enough' and heard people verbally abusing others around us. The signs of that kind of abuse is so obvious, we can't miss it, and we feel sorry for those people who have to put up with it. However, it's the subtle kinds of abuse that is far more damaging. Many of us face it every day - by our children, partners, bosses, people at work, and we don't even realise it is happening to us until it is too late and our self-esteem has taken a large knock.
Remember, nothing but nothing excuses selfish, disrespectful behaviour towards another human being. To show disrespect for another is to show disrespect for one's self.
So, what exactly is abuse and how do we know we are being abused?
It doesn't matter whether you are being physically, emotionally or verbally abused, the bottom line is that abuse is always about control. It is about one partner using strategies and techniques to control the other. It is about your partner's behaviours changing your personality, and you losing your self-esteem and your feeling of self-worth. It is about someone using your fears to manipulate you to do what they want and be what they want. They make you afraid to be yourself, afraid to control yourself, so therefore you will be available to be controlled by them.
Some red flags to look out for.
If you are faced with any of these red flags, you could be in an abusive relationship of some kind. I am not going to list the obvious signs of abuse as we're all familiar with those already.
- Your partner controls your time by making you wait - it could be waiting for them to do something after they've watched just one more TV programme or played just one more game, or even by not giving you a direct answer to your question and replying with a “We'll have to wait and see” or “We'll talk about it later”, and later never comes. If the person who has to wait complains, they are criticised for not having enough patience, or of trying to start a fight. Either way, they are being manipulated. This type of control is two-fold: Their time is controlled and then they are blamed for it!
- Your partner controls your time by timing you whenever you go out somewhere without them. If you take longer than they mentally calculated you'd take, they lay a guilt trip on you to make you feel bad.
- Your partner withholds information from you, and you either have to beg for it, or are forced to try and act on your own. This means that you'll either take longer or will have a greater chance of failure. This form of control makes the abuser feel superior as they know more than you do.
- Your partner withholds needed money, and you are forced to beg, plead or do without. The situation is then turned around that it was your 'trying to be a martyr' or your begging which forced them to withhold the money.
- Your partner controls all the finances, gives you an allowance that isn't enough and deprives you of necessities, while they buy whatever they want and spend money like there's no tomorrow. They don't ask your permission before they buy something, but because they control your finances, you have to ask their permission if you want to buy something.
- Your partner controls your emotions by using body language and gestures. These can be - sulking, giving you the silent treatment, turning their back on you and walking away while you're still talking to them, stomping out of the room and hitting or kicking something as they leave, rolling their eyes in disgust while you are talking or doing something, sighing deeply, refusing to look you in the eye, making a big show of crossing their arms with a bored look on their faces, withholding affection or sex, ignoring you in company and talking animatedly to others.
- Your partner controls you by defining your reality. They discount your experiences and replace it with their truth and reality which is actually a lie. For example, “That's not what happened,” “That's not what I said,” “That's not what you saw or felt,” or the best one of all “I know you better than you know yourself!”
- Your partner controls you by making you responsible for their behaviour, and in doing this avoids all accountability. It will be your fault because you didn't remind them, or set a good example, or stop them soon enough when you saw they were doing the wrong thing. You might ask your partner for their input, they reply, “Whatever,” and then when you go ahead and do it, it's all your fault if it doesn't work.
- Your partner controls you by putting you down all the time, in public and in private. They play down your successes and talents, belittle you and then praise you for trivial things you do, thus saying that you are best suited for doing trivial things. They might make offensive jokes about you in public, mimic you, laugh or smirk at you, patronise you, insult you or make rude sounds while you talk.
- Your partner controls you by talking about you in company in front of you as if you weren't there. They can bring up private moments that you might not want to be general knowledge, and turn it around so that you come out as the fool and they come out as the hero. This way they can make you the brunt of jokes and a laughing stock among your friends.
A healthy relationship is a partnership and consists of giving and taking. Each partner knows that sacrifices and concessions they make will eventually be returned. They are also able to accept themselves for who they are with all warts and imperfections, and also to accept their partner for who they are and with all their blemishes and imperfections.
Unfortunately, an abusive relationship is one-sided. The abusive partner can't give and take, and takes any criticism personally as a personal assault on their character. The abusive partner needs to win in order to feel in control. That's all that makes them feel okay and there is intense pressure for them to hold onto control and thereby preserve that 'winning feeling'. It is unacceptable and never crosses their minds to be wrong, give in, or place another's needs above their own.
The terrible reality, is that you can't change an abusive partner. I once thought, if I loved my ex-husband enough I could change him, but I was wrong. You can't change another person, unless you use abusive tactics. Change has to come from within.
Excerpt from my book on how to break the pattern of abusive relationships in your life, Fear, Phobias and Frozen Feet.
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Yeah, some people just accept things as their lot in life and come to view it as the norm. Which, it isn't really. What a sad society we live in, where many people have to go through some kind of abuse daily.
Hopefully, this will have helped people in abusive relationships realise that they are being abused.
Cindy, I really like how you wrote this in an anecdotal manner, explaining situation rather than just listing points. We so often think of abusers as guys who beat woman up but there is so much more to it. I wrote a hub 10 Reasons to Dump the Guy - about sociopaths and how to recognise one, too often your brain is couded by those 'romantic feelings.' But your hub really describes the behavior.
I was married to someone diagnosed as a sociopath, so I'll have to check out your hub. Yep, there are so many ways that people can be abused, but we tend to focus on the physical and view that as the only form of abuse.
Wow.
This blows me away. All the ways someone can control their partner. This scared me. Very powerful hub! i'm so glad you linked it.
Thanks Veronica! You can link yours here as well, as I've received quite a lot of traffic from Reddit, Stumbleupon and others. The more people who get their eyes opened about this ongoing problem, the better!
I am very thankful for this Hub. I experienced 8 of 10 red flags in my present relationship on the beginning. I did my best to change the situation, and situation did significantly change, but...I am still cautious. My focus definitely moved from building relationship primary on my professional success, and since I did that, miracle happened. But i did not forget what was before, just in case.
Women are stronger then men, men do feel they loose control so they try to gain it on many possible cheap ways. World is changing, relationships are changing, some men cannot stand that and cannot accept that traditional roles are disappearing.
Few days ago I wrote the Hub "GIRLS WANT PRINCE OF CHARMING, WHAT GUYS CAN OFFER", which is also warning from women to be cautious while choosing the partners and gives explanation WHY WE STAY ATTACHED to the "wrong guys" for so long.
I am honored to become your fun. Thank you once again.
Thanks Tatjana, I'll check out your hub
Oh Cindy, m'dear...
"Your partner controls all the finances, gives you an allowance that isn't enough and deprives you of necessities, while they buy whatever they want and spend money like there's no tomorrow. They don't ask your permission before they buy something, but because they control your finances, you have to ask their permission if you want to buy something."
It's like you were a fly on the wall.
I love your Hubs, and I want your books.
Thanks EE, you can buy Stop the world I need to pee off Amazon, and Fear, Phobias and Frozen Feet is on Lulu as an ebook and will soon also be on Amazon. This is my best vengeance to the ex - write books on the subject. lol Glad you're enjoying my hubs. (Although Stop the world is fiction and stars a fictional character, her escape from an abusive situation is remarkably similar to mine. Gosh, what a coincidence!)
wonderful
Thanks ljrc!
That was the best article, that I've ever read on abusive relationships, and believe me I read a lot. I am going to pass it on. You are great.
Thanks for dropping by Fastfreta! I've written quite a few articles on relationship issues which you might like to check out.
i see a lot of women on here talking about their experiences with abusive men. Lets not forget that men can also be the victims. Often times the more subtle forms of abuse like emotional are used by women. I maybe generalizing but just speaking from my experience as a male.
Kag, I agree totally, men are also abused, maybe not so much physically, but definitely verbally!
Hell yeah Cindyvine i do agree with what you just said. Males are very verbally abusive.
Pandomodium, lol actually I said that men are often verbally abused by women!
Good informative hub. It's not just girls that get abused boys get abused too. If a boy loves a girl he'll take abuse :(
I must be blessed, I don't seem to have had relationships that ended up going as far as some of the things mentioned here, and yet, friends and workmates tell me anecdotes that are similar. Out of strange curiousity I came here to read this. It is a good hub. Sadly some people seem intent on trying to own or possess others. It reminds me of my grandmother's wisdom - "No one can intimidate you without your permission". Took me a while to understand it, but maybe it should be on every kid's school and growing - up curriculum.
Many thanks for the thought-provoking hub! CG
Cranoo, I agree totally!
Cheeky Girl, your grandmother is so right, problem is, some of us don't realise when we give permission.
your hub hit the nail right on my husband is a dominering jackass and some of the things you said were so true the eye rolling when i try to talk to him constantly making fun of me with orwithout people around i dont go anywhere with him anymore the sad thing is i hate him i want to leave so bad but i have nowhere to go he took my independance away
I feel so down even more than now i do not like to be yelled at and i guess that i have been abused so much all of everything you name it-it happen i seen that things were changing but i am to afraid to start over i feel so small i feel like i have to be reprogramed back to my old self
Wrongplacegirl, that is what they do to keep you stuck in the situation, so what you have to do is start squirreling money away, anything, to be able to get out.
Denice, I hate being yelled at as well. You can start over, you can get out and change the situation. contact me on my blog www.cindyvinesrelationshipadvice.blogspot.com and we can chat about it more and figure out your options.
does anyone know a good contract killer?
Georgia, depends on whom you want to kill?
Hi cindyvine
I sent you an e-mail to let you know how much I related to this hub. I sent the link to mine. Sounds just like my life. It might have made me have a strange sense of humor, if this is the case, forgive me and believe that almost everything I say is all in good fun and not being bit-hy.HaHaHa
Hi Dixie, will link to your hub when I can get all my internet stuff working at home. Am at school now, my modem at home is not connecting and you can't open gmail at school as the connectivity is too slow at school, ahhhhhhhh the bad parts of technology!
Thanks cindyvine. Off to read more of your hubs.
Welcome Dixie, am glad to see you around!
When you are afraid of the person you are in a relationship with. Relationship are suppose to loving, open and shared. If you are asking this question, it should make you question why you are asking this question.
Wow. I had no idea that control is used in so many subtle ways. It's one of those things where other people can see it, but you can't because you live in it every day.
I know, because I lived in this for 8 years. It has taken me being completely away from him to see it a little clearer for myself.
You are right. You can't change an abusive partner. All you can do is choose to get away from them so that you can have to the freedom to be who you truly are and live your own life peacefully.
Exactly journey, I agree with you 100%
Trose, I am glad you managed to get away as relationships like this can change you and bring you down, turn you into a timid mouse.
I am in an abusive relationship at the moment, currently in therapy. The biggest thing is his thinking he is superior over me and belittling me. Believe me, it's tough! I am trying so hard to escape this in one piece, emotionally and physically!
LJ, you need to make some plans to get out of that relationship.
Im glad you wrote this, seems many people go through it and feel like they are crazy or something and it helps to have someone say.."no. your not crazy, this really does happen." Its awful to feel like your being treated badly in wierd sneaky subtle ways, and try to bring it up only to get yelled at and be put through a guilt trip for accusing your spouse of being abusive...Thank you for writing this. Still, I do wish it didn't ever happen to anybody.
DoorMattnomore, you are so right, so many people just accept the abuse thinking they are crazy, have done something wrong and deserve it. The truth is, nobody deserves to be abused.
I am so happy to see this, I think I am in an abusive relationship bc the guy I'm with does all of these things, but at the same time I am excusing him. I keep saying well maybe thats how he plays, but I've expalined to him that he is way stronger than me. He bites me when I don't do what he wants, he spanks me like on my legs and arms. He's even so much as punched me in the thigh, like he's wrestling with one of the guys. He also manipulates my finances, he wont do anything with his own, but he'll ruin my credit to save his own...its only been 3 months and I'm scared of what I'm in. I can't tell if he really thinks im ok with the roughness or if he's doing it on purpose to control me. He also does the "turn everything around so its my fault" thing...I'm lost without a thought on how to approach the topic with him because he'll simply make me feel guilty for thinking that he was doing it on purpose.
GonePostal, my advice is for you to get out of that relationship pronto before he does any further damage to your self-esteem.
Great information on your hub and very useful, for those who may be in an abusive relationship. Mental abuse is more difficult for people to understand especially if they were brought up by controlling parents themselves.
One red flag that I do tell people is if you are dating someone who is trying to isolate you from friends and family this is not someone that you want to marry ever!!!
Dawn you are so right, isolating you from family and friends is not good and a big red flag.
I think many people do know they are being abused but then move to a stage of justification and normalizing because they are trapped in a relationship due to finances, circumstances, kids, etc. They begin to say it's not that bad, this is normal, etc. Sadly those that would leave, but don't have the money to, may never have the meoney if they are with someone who controls the finances and everything else. Controlling guys are those when you date them, they try to spend every waking moment with you and many women are swept off their feet by them and think that's true love. Just some thoughts...Great hub!!
Izettl, you are so right and many of us fall for controlling men as we think they'll take care of us because they love us, and then we find out it has nothing to do with love. They control us because we let them.
hi, i am in a relationship, where i think i am not being treated fairly. but i´m not sure if it is abuse. things happen to me that are not listed. i feel like he has all the power. he has a mental list of things that i should behave like but then he does not follow that list at all. he can slam doors but if a slam a door i could get a shoe through at my head. he can talk and talk but if i interrupt him the world ends. now if i am interrupted and i ask him to let me finnish, he forces me out of the room. he does not like when i say things that are not want he wants to hear. he yells and i try to ask him to calm down. he wont. so i leave the room. and then i am accused of abandoning him. yet if i get mad and yell i am "crazy" and in his mind i need help. he always criticizes me and my selfestem is on the floor being stepped on. all i can do is lock my self in the room. i have no motivation for anything. i just want to be respected and listend to with out all the criticism. the worts part is that i live in the mountans in a town with 200 poeple and i don´t now how to drive. i can´t even just go out and take a breather. and i can´t stop crying. sorry if this got personal.i just don´t have anyone to talk to.
Don't Know, from reading your post I'd say that you were in a very abusive relationship. The man in your life sounds controlling to the extreme. How dare he tell you how to behave? Throwing a shoe at your head is physical abuse. Seriously, you need to get away from that man. He's trying the guilt thing on you as well. All it is is a manipulation technique, to play on your sympathy so you stay. Do you have family or friends in another town you can contact to come and get you? i really feel you need to leave such a terrible situation.
Thanks for such an incisive hub. I feel such an idiot writing this because if I read it as an objective outsider I would probably snort with derision at such a stupid weak woman. There have been huge indicators right from the off that this was not a good relationship to be gettting into, but I chose not to take them for the warning lights they were because I didn't want to believe that all I thought was good about him was also wrong. March 2009, after 10 months together and a number of warnings I was beginning to think that this was not love. Well not on his side anyway. Then I discovered (miraculously given a history of fertility problems) that I was pregnant, and knew I had to try and give my baby some attempt at a proper family. During my pregnancy I discovered that he had been calling gay sex chat lines, in addition to the straight dating websites and texts to his ex that I had already been subjected to. I told him I was leaving and he first of all said he would fight me for my son, then said he was going away and we would never see him again. Finally he threatened to kill himself as he simply couldn't live without us. I STUPIDLY agreed to stay if he promised to see a counsellor with me, of course he did but then subsequently has been too busy too attend whenever an appointment has been available. We now argue all the time, he enjoys teasing me in the mornings which I HATE as it takes me an hour to feel human first thing. He knows this but still does it and when I get cross he says I'm always 'in a mood'. I try to predict his response to what I'm going to say and edit my conversation accordingly. When he has an audience that won't reproach him (e.g his painfully shy 16 year old niece) he teases me to the point where I feel belittled. This weekend he told me he was sick of coming home to a sh*t hole and make a big show of doing the cleaning to make me feel bad. He said he has no respect for someone who wants to 'sit on there arse all day and live like a slob'. I have our nine month old to take care of and I'm struggling to juggle it all but the house is perfectly fine. I'm still managing to convince myself that it's all my fault and Im just oversensitive. I need a metaphorical slap in the face before I find that I'm forty and stuck here. It would be the greatest regret of my life if my sone were to treat a woman this way. Any suggestions you can offer would really help me strap on a pair and go! Thanks.
First of all, I am not even going to use the name you gave yourself, because you are not a failure. You are caught in a relationship with an undesirable specimen, that doesn't make you a failure. You do need to get out of that relationship before you lose your self-esteem altogether. You do not want your son growing up in an environment where men treat women badly, otherwise he'll grow up thinking that's the norm. There were many times over the years I was with my ex when I wanted to leave the relationship and he threatened suicide, so I stayed just to be abused worse than before. The thing is they never kill themselves. It's just something they use to manipulate you to stay. When you leave, they find a new victim to manipulate within a week. There is always a woman taken in by their initial charm or who falls for their sob story. And if he does kill himself, you are not to blame, it's his choice and you'll be well rid of him, but I doubt he'll do that it's just talk. By belittling you, he's breaking you down and making you compliant. Pack up and leave. Do you have family or some place you can go?
In April I asked my husband to leave because I was tired of being treated like crap. In August a friend finally told me that being yelled at in the middle of the night is abuse. I began to research what really is abuse and cried for days as it became clear that I was abused for most of our relationship. I went to talk to him the other day and he bacame physically abusive, I tried to record the conversation with my phone and he attacked me to take it away from me. I probably would have let it slide, but I came home to an email stating "Sorry for hurting you, but if you had done as I asked I wouldn't have lost control" my only reply was "OK". I went to the hospital had the injuries documented, went to the police and filed a complaint, went to the womens outreach centre and learned more about abuse, talked to victim services to make sure I'm doing the right thing. Now just waiting for him to be arrested and charged and praying he doesn't come after me when he gets out of custody.
Love your article Cindy, well done.
A website that helped me a lot was www.youarenotcrazy.com and Patricia Evans book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship".
The cool thing is that when he gets convicted (and he will) I get a say in what happens afterwards. There is a great 16 month program about abuse that I'm going to recommend he attends. (Not anger management; because angry people don't abuse, abusers are just angry because they feel they have a right to be.) I hope every abused woman reading your article, Cindy, gains the courage to get out or get help.
Joanna, I am so pleased you got out of that relationship. Interesting how he tried to blame his abusive behavior on you because you didn't do what he asked! Best of luck for the future!
Hi,
Im not sure what to say here, but after reading your hub I think I may be in a somewhat abusive relationship.
I know that I am not perfect but sometimes when my boyfriend and I fight i'm not actually sure what i've done wrong. For example, last week he had a bit of a problem and so I quickly (because he gets angry if he cant work out a solution) offered a suggestion. This suggestion, according to him (and in retrospect) was not the best idea. But it led to a massive argument where he told me that if I wasnt in his life he would not be stressed at all and that he hates me. All of our arguments (and there are a lot at the moment) seem to be like this, I say something, without fully considering it (which I am working on) and we have a massive fight. And he keeps telling me that it cant happen again otherwise we cant be together. We have been together for 5 years, and have been living together for 5 months. He has never been abusive to me in an obvious way, it is only because I found your hub that I am beginning to question it.
I dont know what to do, we have had another row and when he gets home from work I know that it will ruin tonight and tomorrow, he text me saying he hates me and doesn't care if he never sees me again.
Undecided, you have to ask yourself this question: Do you really want to be in a relationship where your partner tells you they hate you and don't care if they never see you again? Sounds to me like you'd be best with someone who genuinely loves you and wants you around.
My boyfriend and I were in the kitchen the other night and I was making us a pizza..and he kept eating the ingredients and hovering over me and it was bothering me and he wouldn't listen and leave me alone so I yelled at him to get out. Well he did..but not without a problem. He continued to make snide comments and continually pick at me for what felt like forever. Anyways..he wore me down so much and I was so angry that I made a comment about his ex girlfriend I said "No wonder your ex didn't want to be with you". He got PISSED and punched the plate that was in front of me it shattered and pizza and glass went everywhere. I freaked out and got up and got my suitcase and started packing my clothes and he grabbed me by my arms and threw me down and continued to push me to try to get me to get out of the apartment without my things. And then I retalliated and hit back and he grabbed my throat. He stopped and I was so angry..All I wanted to do was go but he wouldn't let me. He apologized over and over and he did feel awful. I pretended like things were fine and then he went into the field (he's military) the next day I was making plans to leave him. By the following day I had changed my mind because I know I'm at fault also so my reasons no longer feel valid. One time he was ignoring me after a fight and started playing xbox so I unplugged the internet cord and he grabbed me and pushed me down...He's also punched a hole in the wall when angry. I know I can be a bitch and I can provoke him..but is he in the right for what he did or am I being ignorant and trying to excuse him?
Frozensuitcase, your situation worries me. I worry because both of you seem to have a short fuse. When things get you down you say things you probably shouldn't and you regret later. Unfortunately, your boyfriend reacts to these with violence. Pushing you down, breaking plates, punching holes in things is violent behaviour. If the violence escalates you are going to end up getting very badly hurt. You need to think seriously about what you say that might trigger off his violent outbursts and maybe curb your tongue quite a bit. But more than that, you need to evaluate your relationship, is this what you want for yourself? Do you want to live your life in fear that you might say the wrong thing which will trigger an outburst? Chances are, this is not what you want for yourself. And remember, the only person you can change is yourself. You can't change him, only he can change himself, and he has to desperately want to. To me it sounds like the two of you should think seriously about whether or not you should have a future together. You are a provoker and he is a violent retaliator. That's a recipe for disaster in my book.
It is no shame to admit that you are unsure if its abuse or not some of it is so subtle that you cannot put your finger on it. I have not been fortunate to be in a relationship that did not involve some form of abuse and at my age I am ready to go it alone. mental abuse sometimes to me seems worse than the hitting. At least the hitting eventually ends the words go on forever inside you.
Mrsabk, i AGREE WITH YOU, i THINK MENTAL ABUSE IS FAR WORSE AS YOU NEVER QUITE RECOVER FROM IT.
Wow this has been some what helpful I still don't see my situtation exactly but that really doesn't matter. I feel the need to find someone who is going through exactly what I'm going through because I just can't do it! I've been with my husband for 6.5 years and we've been married for 3 years. He's been the same since the begining but it is only now that I'm having a hard time and that is because we have a 17 month old baby boy who is such a good, easy going kind, a lover! However my husband will call me names like bitch and cunt in front of our son, he has punched the TV, wall, kicked the christmas tree, etc. He's grabbed my by my arms and shock me, pushed me hard into the couch, tells me I'm worthless, I'm lazy..... I only work part time. I'm not allowed or I should say he gives me a really hard time about reading books, running, spend any time with anyone. Don't get me wrong I can do these things but then I would have to listen to him bitch and complain. He is a construction worker so he doesn't have an easy job but he bitchs and bitchs about work. Oh and I forgot to mention he is an acoholic. He's never punched me or the baby. BUt I've gone to my docs to up my anitdepressants and to give me something for my anxiety.
I'm going to ask the most stupidest question ever (I guess I know the answer but don't feel like it is real) am I in an abusive relationship and what should I do?
HELP!
Angie, it is totally unacceptable for someone to swear at another like that and call them names. Punching the TV, hitting walls and kicking objects are also unacceptable. Grabbing you so that you feel pain and pushing you hard is not on either. You are most definitely in a very abusive relationship. The damage done to your psyche when someone keeps telling you you're lazy and worthless is huge. If he hates his job he shouldn't take it out on you. That's his problem. And his job being hard is not an excuse to abuse you that way. My advice is to get out before he punches you like he punches the wall!
I literally feel like I'm going to have a heart attack. This has got to be the MOST hardest thing I've ever been through. I feel like I'm being overly sentative or like he always says "I like the drama" I feel like I'm going crazy... There's really good days sometimes several days in a row and I think wow "did I make all that up" but then it does happen again, he makes little comments under his breath but load enough for me to hear, always calling me a witch, that I put a spell on him. He is very nervous paranod person and he drinks like a fish!! The beer meloys him out but the liquir makes him mean. I don't think he would ever punch me though he has told me if I was a man he'd knock me out...I feel so guilty and like I'm lying to everyone, and I'm so scared of leaving b/c I feel like I have nothing...... ACK!!!!!!!!!!!
Angie, you do have something, you have you and a beautiful 17 month old baby boy. Is this guy the role model you want for your son? Maybe you need to sit him down and speak to him about his drinking and how it makes him abusive and scares you.
Wish I'd seen this a year ago...
Brittany, it's never too late, you can look out for these red flags the next time.
Love this, understand it, but well this is the end for me!!! Thank you................ Good-Bye..................
Gonecountry, you take care!
My god, it took almost 10 yrs.. to even start looking for information on partner abuse..I must be coming to realize, I need to get out! Guess this is could be the first step of coming to term with abuse!
All of this makes sense, i makes sense to why, I went from a strong independent woman, to a woman, that only though being a homemaker would be good for my family, to only finding out, that I have made the worst mistake in my life!! I have given my entire life to a a verbally n emotionally abusive man that I have a child with! It has gone so far out of control, I cry about everything now..I feel trapped.
Hilzfinest1, well the fact that you've admitted and acknowledged you're in an abusive relationship is a great start. Stop crying and start making plans. You've got a kid to take care of.
My bf does every single one of the red flag things. He use to do little things to me when we'd fight, like break my cigarettes or steal my wallet so I had no money. He smashed 7 mobile phones I've had. He never actually hit me but he put a pillow over my head and tried to smother me, which he still says was to stop me screaming...( was screaming because he'd just thrown me into a wall.) He use to turn the hot water on when I was in the shower so it would burn me, little things like that. I have an anger problem which I've known for ages and I've made many attempts to try and fix it. Before I was with his I was a very bubbly, creative, positive person but now all I do is sit in my bedroom and cry. He stopped doing things like taking my wallet, he stopped all that after I had my child. But ever since I had my son his verbal abuse is horrifying. Just that he hates me and I'm nothing, tells me to kill myself because I'm a shitty human and I'm wasting good humans air and things like that. Worst thing he does though, is tell me I'm crazy and I'm bi polar. I've been to counseling, taken anti depressants and been to countless doctors to try prove I'm actually not. It's a huge thing that he makes me doubt my own sanity. Ive been starting to think he actually might be right and I really am the entire problem. Really glad I saw this, made me realise yes I may have issues myself but even so I am defiantly in an abusive relationship. I just have no idea how to get out :(
Bonnie, do you have family who can help you? If you have already been diagnosed with bipolar then the relationship you are in is definitely not good for you.
I am feeling your hub because it is so true. People don't usually recognize emotional or mental abuse until it's too late or they are finally free from their oppressors. Although I haven't been abused by a man, my adoptive mother mentally and emotionally abused me for years. It took me the strength to threaten the reversal of adoption in order for her to stop. Now she has this thing where she needs to be in control over her grown children and uses whatever she does for you to her advantage. I wrote something about this in my hub. I am glad you wrote this hub and your books. As a fellow author I can honestly say good luck with sales.
Thanks for your support Kashavera!
IDK WHAT TO SAY ABOUT THIS..I BELIEVE IT CAN GO BOTH WAYS AS FAR AS A CERTAIN KIND OF ABUSE ON BOTH SIDES..BOTH SIDES CAN ABUSE EACHOTHER IN DIFFERENT WAYS. IDK WHAT MY SITUATION IS BUT IM HURT AND I DONT LIKE THIS AT ALL. I LOVE HIM AND HAVE 2 CHILDREN WITH HIM ANYWAYS ITS A LONG STORY, I WISH I COULD FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO.
KC, you are right, both sides can abuse each other in different ways. You need to think what is best for you and your kids.
i refuse to believe people cant change. i confess i am a control freak and very very abusive. i have a mental disorder (not an excuse) i am honest about who i am and what i am and i have sought help. If i though t for a second i could not change , well id jump off a building , because its no way to live. i WANT a relationship. a good relationship. i don't want to be how i am. i hate it
K nobody said you can't change. Anybody can change but they have to want to change. You can't change another person, you can only change yourself.
Excellent article and many of the signs and symptoms of abuse rang a bell for me!
I thought you might be interested in my article on this subject (see: http://aclinn.hubpages.com/hub/Hidden-cause-of-wom as the effects or symptoms of a problem will not disappear until the cause of the problem is identified and brought (so to speak) to the light of day.
So regrettably the problem of women, girl (and child) abuse is huge!
Best wishes and keep well.
AC Linn and some men get abused as well! I'll check out your article, thanks for taking the time to comment!
Thanks, Cindyvine. I realize that. However, thoughts and words attract the same thoughts and words in return; what one gives one receives? And, while many women may simply 'take' the disrespect they are shown, believing (due to the centuries-old 'programming') that they 'deserve it.' There are women who are not prepared to 'take' it, and fight back (so to speak). And because women are 'not allowed' to object to the (disrespectful, or offensive) way they are treated (and compulsive abusers cannot take the bitter or nasty medicine they dish out). This, I believe, is where the problem comes in.
Linn, wouldn't it be a wonderful world if people could just get on with each other?
Aren't giraffes beautiful? No doubt about that, CindyVine. If it isn't skin-color that stands between simple respectfulness, courtesy, good manners and common decency. It's nationality, age or gender, etc. Maybe too few parents set the right example for their children? Thank heavens, my mother was a 'genuine goddess," who knew the meaning of 'spiritual (NB: not 'religious') values,' always practiced what she preached, and was simply the greatest example of a great human being, I had the greatest good fortune to meet.
Perhaps, one of these fine days, everyone will realize that they are an indivisible part of one human family, and begin 'doing unto others only as they would be done by.' I can't see any other answer.
PS: another subject that really needs to be tackled is: "cruelty to animals." Including, speaking out as a multitude against (and finally putting a stop to) vivisection. See: http://www.speakforanimals.info/vivisection (I can hardly bear to look at the pictures, as I 'feel' their terrible suffering and it makes me weep).
PPS: As an 'insect lover.' I never, ever harm or kill an insect deliberately and have no 'insect problems,' whatsoever, in my home. Does no one realize how harmful all these insect sprays are to people (adults, children and infants?). And the environment? God bless and keep well. A C. Linn.
Linn, you haven't met our malaria mosquitoes and invasive ants!
Dear cindyvine, Is it possible that one's vibes attract "mozzies" and "ants?" Or perhaps a decision to live somewhere - which may turn out to be a mozzie or ant's territory? Seriously, I know that insects are by no means 'insentient,' they know precisely what's going on from a vibe (thought, word and action) point of view, and will pester (menace or attack) anyone and everyone whose thinking (vibes, words and deeds) don't conform to the 'golden rule' (of love and essential harmlessness). And PS: the absolutely worst thing one can do in 'retaliation' is to harm (or heaven forbid) kill them. Then the 'war' is really on! And usually it's the people who 'can't handle it anymore' and move on, not the other way around. I'll look up an ancient South African remedy for mosquito bites I have somewhere (*I have been in places where there have been swarms. Terribly unpleasant). And shall post it here as soon as I find it. (You could try ordinary toothpaste on bites right now ...). Wishing you peace of mind and heart in the interim. Best wishes, AC.Linn.
I'm not wrong in believing that most women do not love and accept themselves (unconditionally) as they are, am I? No. How many women look in the mirror, for example, and smile at themselves (the way a child would?). Very, very few. If any.
And why? Because of the shabby way most women (and girls) have been treated for centuries, that's why. The drudge in the kitchen. The housebound slave. The (often unwilling) sex object. Why, we were all born of a 'royal line!' And deserve to be treated like princesses! Because that, in truth, is who and what we are! And, yes, it's a double-edged sword. Thanks to the false teaching of original sin, the majority of men don't love and accept themselves (unconditionally) as they are, either. Self - how many men and women don't know that 'self' is not the perishable body, but the imperishable soul? And that that is where their beauty lies?
Linn I think we have been conditioned to believe that loving oneself is a sign of vanity and modesty is preferred. Of course that doesn't make it right, it's just years of conditioning.
the red flags are often ignored because some women are afraid, or lack economic power.
Cindy, I think these are important points that are offered here.
What ACLinn said about how women have been treated for centuries is correct, I think (and I don't even expect "the princess treatment". It would just be nice to be treated as, and taken seriously as, an equal.
It's not just about one's relationship with a husband or boyfriend, though. Ironically, the older I've gotten, the more and more I identify with Cinderella (and I don't mean with the thing about her waiting for a prince on a white horse). I mean with the thing about others seeming to be content with and/or even prefer she be around only for whatever chores she does, or meeting of others' needs that she does (voluntarily or otherwise), and not for "going to the ball". It's not even always about house chores. I can be about being the one who's always "there" for someone else but who is completely disregarded in terms of having emotional needs, or not having efforts to stay whole erode by others' needs.
Some women more than others (maybe) are always fighting off someone else's efforts to control them or tell them what to do. No matter how much someone else cares about (or even thinks about) some women, there's so often that need to still be "Number One" and superior in his own mind. It can be so bad for some women (including strong ones) that if they "told off" everyone who ever tried to control them, or was constantly seeing himself in a "teaching mode"; the woman would have close to no relationships with friends or family at all for the rest of her life. That's because a good part of the time these controlling people don't even know what they're doing. They actually believe they have the right to do it, and that the woman is expecting too much if she tries to point out that she's an adult and not someone's little kid.
You know what happened to me? I told some court people (during a divorce) that I was dealing with a few too many overbearing (but in some cases, actually well intentioned) people. Those people made it clear that they cared about me and would never do anything mean to me (which was true and which I told court people and others as well). Then, though, I came out looking like someone who was very much loved but who was "paranoid" to think anyone would do/say anything that was harmful in my life, or to me. So, sometimes, unless you're getting punched or beaten, there's really no winning if/when the emotional stuff is "all" you're dealing with.
I once read that of all the kinds of love we can have in life, respect and admiration are two things that are present when the love is real and whole and healthy. If those two things aren't there, the love isn't quite what genuine and whole love really is.
One other thing about the kinds of things you mention here: Women have a tendency to be understanding and to think, "Nobody's perfect." I think they overlook a lot of stuff before it ever really gets bad enough that they realize they're being seriously affected by it.
Bingskee, you are right some women feel trapped and feel forced to stay as they don't have the finances to leave.
Lisa, thanks so much for your thoughtful response. I think you are right, women do miss the early signs and overlook them and then all of a sudden find themselves in a crisis situation.
You know , mental abuse is so much wort in my opinion, and the problem is that you do not even realize it. All your friends realize but you dont't. I was in this "relationship" where the girl would constantly put me down. Like All the time. At one point i changed my look because some friends of mine said i look like this TV actor so i got a similar hair cut and well .... I looked daum good LOL. But she kept on saying i didn't even if all her friends would say i did and all mine that this was a great look for me . ( yes guys are concerned about their looks) . Anyways i finally got out of it and now my girl is amazing.
Mental abuse is the worst because you start thinking you really aren't good enough when in reality you kick ass.
So for all of you out there. Remember you KICK ASS !
Frank you are right, mental abuse is bad because it can be quite subtle that you don't realise it is happening!
This article is the truth!! It should be considered a crime to mentally or emotionally abuse someone in addition to physical violence. People become torn apart, confused, left without direction a piece of them stomped upon. It's not fair. This is a great great hub!
Hello everyone,
I left my partner 2 days ago after reading a lot of articles like this one. I was so blinded by my love for him that I let him take control over my life. I did not listen to my family and friends. I am so glad I got out in time though. He has put me trough a lot but I am still standing and I will only get stronger as time goes by. Good luck to all of you who are still in a abusive relationship with an abusive, controlling, manipulitave and isolating partner. It´s not easy to break away but if the partner doesn´t change it will only get worse, so it´s better to leave in that case.
I have been in realationship for 5 years and I am 26 and he is 49. Age has never been a problem, but the controlling and jealous, put down comments have started to get worse. I must admit I have experienced some awful child abuse and this have effected my self esteem and sometimes my inferior with other women. In the past I would be acusing and ask him if he prefered other women. I made mistakes, but i regret this and now he labels me as this horrible inseciour monster. He doesnt like me wearing certain clothing and because I am a singer and I often perform on stage, he always points out when I have gone wrong. I have also completed a Masters Degree and he tells me I am stupid and I couldnt possibly understand Politics. I start to think I am, it has started to have effect on my career and bubbly personality. i dont know if I am going mad and over exaggerating.
Please tell me, what is going on?
Thanks for taking the time to comment Godzangel!
Keep being strong Free at last and making the right choices. Reflect on this relationship that has just ended and make sure you don't make the same bad choices next time.
Eve, I would say that he is insecure and taking his insecurities out on you. He's older and you're young, smart, talented and he feels threatened by that. He's probably scared he's going to lose you to a younger man. You need to sit down with him, kneecap to kneecap, and tell him how his controlling behaviour is affecting your life and career. Hopefully, he'll realise that his behaviour might cause him to lose you and he'll change.
Is it weird to be 32 and wanna runaway? I hate my boyfriend. He's a horrible evil person. I hate him. I'm constant being told I'm stupid I'm wrong I'm worthless I'm a bitch etc. I have no life. He destroyed it. He's a selfish pos. I hate his face. His fat gross body. He repulses me. He smells. I'm blamed for everything! I have to stay for now. No place to go. But he's gunna get a rude awakening soon! And its going to be awesome!
Inarun, you sound as if you are in a very bad relationship and staying in it will be detrimental to both of you. Make some plans to get out!
My daughter is 22 and cannot get away from a bf she has had an on again off again relationship. He is a horrible, mean person. He has left bruises on her one time that I know of and the emotional abuse is unreal. Just this week, he has told her she can move in, then come get her stuff. He has blocked her number because we stopped and ate dinner for 20 minutes instead of her being with him. Then he calls her screaming because she didn't come running to him when he blocked her. I told her that she can't live with me anymore if she wants to continue seeing him. I can't watch this anymore and it's upsetting to my 13 year old daughter too. This man is crazy and I am truely afraid for her. He doesn't want her, but she can't see anyone else either. She is a beautiful, smart girl...I don't know why she keeps going back to him. I have considered moving away, like his last girlfriends family did...
Thank you for this hub. It has been very informative. I have a very low self esteem due to many things. I've been in numerous abusive relationships and was also raped. My now ex blamed me. Though those are not current events they do play a part in my life and the way i think, unfortunately. My current bf and I have been dating on and off for about three years now. He is also an abuser, I think. All of our fights are my fault and I could have done something different. Which yes that is true in most situations but if I bring up anything that he could have done it only makes it worse. I just graduated collage but to him my degree is worthless. He doesn't say that it is worthless but his attitude is such that he makes me think that. When he gets angry he yells and sometimes breaks things that are mine. He will also take away gifts that he has given me. If I don't do something the way he wants it done he either breaks up or threatens to break up with me. As of right now we live about 4.5 hrs away from each other, he insists that I move in with him or the relationship is over. I really do love and care about him but I am not sure what the right thing to do is here. We break up and I think we are over for good and he'll call then I'll be right back where I started. I can't seem to say no to him. He's not all bad and does try to do good things for me. Sorry to blab so much I am just lost.
Asadmom I really feel for you. It must be so hard watching that happen to your daughter and be almost powerless to help. Unfortunately our children don't always listen to us but they do listen to their friends. Does your daughter have a best friend you might have a word with? What do her friends feel about the abusive boyfriend? I agree with you that she should discontinue the relationship with him. He definitely sounds a bit crazy and very controlling.
Lost, this man is no good for you and deep down you know that that's why you are writing to me on this hub. He will destroy your self-esteem completely. My advice, don't move in with him. Write yourself a pros and cons list. You say he has some good points, list them under pros. When you have all the good and bad in writing and look at them before you like that, then you can see if your relationship is worth pursuing or not. Good luck!
I was so shocked to read this story and finally realize why I am so sad. All the red flags are my husband. I recently became disabled due to a serious life shortening illness and all my husband worries about is the bills and how broke we are. And how we cannot do anything because we do not have money. At one time we could do just about anything we had the money. But not now. He does not help with house cleaning or cooking or shopping but he complains about dinner, even things he liked he now does not like. He is always giving me the look when we stop at an estate sale or if we are anywhere and he wants to leave, he will isolate himself and look all pitiful or act like he is in pain. Believe me I am in constant pain and on serious pain meds and if I say something hurts he always has something that hurts worse. Or he will say, oh yeah me too. He has no idea what pain is, not my kind anyway. I have a large life insurance policy and sometimes I might want something so I use the credit card and then he gets all mad because I bought something. Or if I am talking to someone and I say oh I cannot afford that and he will make a comment like oh yeah you can use a charge card. He is very cold and distant, we have not had sex in so long. We can go many months and have no contact and I keep asking him why and he refuses to answer me. I have begged him to hold me. I am going through a lot right now and need support but no he cannot do that. I used to be viberant and happy and now all I do is cry and feel so alone. I cannot leave because I have no money. I do not have any friends,well one but she lives very far from me. I asked him to go see a counselor but he says there is nothing wroing with him. Does anyone have any advice on how to survive this relationship because it is making my health even worse than it already is. Thank You
Kathy it does sound as if he has checked out of the relationship and is just going through the motions. You need to have a heart to heart chat with him and express your concerns and feelings.
I have tried talking to him but he just sits there and does not comment back. Recently I have been really busy helping my daughter after a very nasty divorce. It has taken up a lot of my time and I tried to get him to help me and he did once over the past couple of weeks but that was it. We are remodeling an older home that was very dirty and everything broken. If I say I am tired or I did this or that he changes the subject or acts like he did not hear me. Plain and simple I might as well talk to the wall. Since I have no way out of this situation I need to find a way to survive in this horrible situation. He is making me feel so inferior. thanks for responding and I understand if you have no answers for me.
see that article expresses what i have been through for 6 years. even tried leaving , but the bastard found me and i couldnt count how many times police have been called...i am at the point now that i have been thinking really bad thoughts..i want him dead. He has tried to bully me by involving my friends and family and i will not take it anymore. He refuses divorce, i filed once and he begged and my family helped me convince to try. I was independent for 8 months with my own place, etc my lease run out , now somehow i am back here, and each day i pray he is dead. I don't want to be a statistic anymore. I feel the only way to move on and live is for him to be gone for ever. Its either that or me....because i will not take another humiliation, intimidation, threats, mistreatment all because he thinks he has isolated me enough to control me. If i cant live like a normal human being, then i believe neither can he. I feel like i have exhausted every area of help and support, i lost friends because of his intimidation....stalking, playing the goody goody attitude, and i have tried to pray, i find it hard.I have gone from taking the shit to being so angry as a method of defending myself, but i am tired. cant do it no more....its worse when i say i am leaving, or would like a divorce, i am scared to work because of past experiences, scared to talk to people, make friends because i don't want to be humiliated...whats worse is....if i try to make friends, peoples look at me as this nice , funny glamorous person, always looking nice, absolutely presentable, yes i have always been like that, but that's the face i have to put, inside i feel so lost, torn, that i am hiding this thing. so lonely, lost i cant even be honest to my own mother. I have another year of university and that's all that keeps me in this part of England. I am so ready to drop out , but then i think whats the point of being in debt and not complete my education, something i fought so hard to do, i need this, but its bloody hard..and with his tactics i don't know if i can stomach it..i had to warn my faculty leaders about his DV. how embarrassing.... all i know is i am ready to snap , i cant live like this. what gets me is neither of us are happy or get one but he refuses to leave me alone. Help!
Kathy, I think you need to get yourself a hobby to take your mind off things. Start writing a book, anything, that will give you a feeling of success and achievement because at the moment your situation is dragging you down. You are trying hard to make things work. If there is no way out and you can't leave, then you have to find something that you do just for you. Something that you can look forward to each day.
Tiredone, the good thing is that it sounds as if you do not yet have children. NO ONE, I repeat, NO ONE should stay in a DV situation. There are no more chances for him, I honestly think you need to move out and focus on your last year at university so you can become independent and work at your career. the longer you stay, the harder it will be to leave. If you don't have a place to go, maybe you can temporarily move into a battered women shelter.
I do have children but they are all grown and on their own. They just hate how unhappy I have become and how angry I am. They also have seen how he treats me. Hard no to when it is every day. Today, I was working in my yard filling in deep holes with some dirt at noon I was at my mothers house doing yard work because she cannot do it anymore. When I got home I got the I am hungry and I said well dinner should be done I made a wonderful pork roast, carrots, potatoes and mellon. His reaction, I do not want that I hate roast. So I just said eat a bowl of ceral then. During dinner I told him that I had gotten dirt and filled in the holesin our yard but I was not finished because I had to go help my mom. He said well why worry about someone else's yard when you have to get ours done. I thought my head was going to explode because I was so angry my blood pressure went through the roof. but I kept my cool and said nothing, it is hard work going to dig the dirt fill up the truck with a shovel and then unload it by the bucket fulls, do you think he would help me...of course not. I think if I just stop believing one day that he will love me and help me the better off I will be. It would sure be nice to have a friend to hang out with or talk to but I don't. Live sucks and no way out of hell until I die. That is what he is waiting for too but my will and insurance is all set up for my kids. Won't he be surprised.
Kathy, he does sound like an ungrateful prick! But I have to say you are enabling his behaviour by digging the holes and doing the jobs for him he should be doing. If he knows you are going to do it, he isn't going to bother. Maybe you need to stop doing everything, especially his chores!
my god...this clip has opened my eyes to so many things. almost everything that was said an abusive partner does,he does to me. i understand that you can never change a person and that they have to change themselves..but is it possible for me to wait for him to find it with in him self? and dont push him to do it? i love him so much you see and i really dont want to loos him. please...please help me
-tazzrolfes2@yahoo.com
Unfortunately you can't change him, only he can change himself. And then, he has to recognise he has a problem and wants to change. You can't push him to change, that might just unleash more abuse. You have to decide what it is you love about him and if that outweighs the abuse.
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Hawkesdream Level 2 Commenter 3 years ago
sometimes you do not know that you are being abused, or rather that label is not attached to your circumstance until way after you have left .
This hub fortunately lets people spot the tell tale signs and hopefully get out sooner rather than later.