How to DUMP a FRUMP in 10 easy steps

After many hubs aimed at the womenfolk, here's one for the men, inspired by TOF, an old codger from New Zealand.

What does it mean to DUMP someone? What is a FRUMP?

D=Ditch; U=Uninspiring; M=Miserable; P=Person.

F=Forgettable/Frigid; R=Rabid; U=Unattractive; M=Miserable/Mean/Menopuasal; P=Person

Basically, it's when you get rid of a girlfriend you no longer want or need. There is no easy way to do it. When I said 10 easy steps I lied. However you do it, the girlfriend is going to feel hurt and probably a little, no make that a lot, angry. So, the secret to do it, is subtley, in stages. A slow withdrawal of affection. DO NOT break up by sending an email or an sms/text message. That is rather cowardly and some girls deliberately misread what you say. The best way to do it, is face to face, in a public place so that she cannot be a drama queen and cause an unpleasant scene. Some girls might still try the pouring the ice cold frosty down the front of your pants though, but at least in a public place they are less inclined to break the bottle or smash the can over your head afterwards. Your nerves and pride might be a bit shattered, but at least in a public place you'll come out physically unscathed. Oh, and make sure you have over time collected all your personal possessions, BEFORE you break up and end the relationship. Because chances are, you'll never get them back again, or if you do, it'll be at a price you won't be able to afford. Collecting your stuff after the break-up also means you are at risk of getting into a Fuck Buddy situation. Don't go there, it doesn't work. The hurt continues and you'll just give her hope it's a passing phase.

Angry, hateful break-ups are not the worth the pain. You have to do it gently, sending out plenty of advance signals. The Rough Dumps make you feel like shit and will incur the hatred of all her friends. Something you might not want to happen if you fancy your chances with some of them. In some ways, Rough Dumps, are easier for her to cope with. She knows for a fact then that it's definitely over. However, she might feel inspired to plot revenge with some of her buddies over a couple of shots of vodka at the club. You don't want to go there.

Top Ten Ways to subtly start breaking off a relationship

1. Cut down on the communication. Start returning fewer and fewer of her calls. Try and always be distracted in her company. Avoid making sparkling conversation and become monosyllabic. Yawn when she starts talking about her life.
2. Start making hints about a desire for space. Turn down date offers saying you just want to be alone or need some space. Say one night a weekend is enough for you. Don't talk about wanting to find yourself, as she might want to help you. Avoid too much psychobabble though, as she's probably read all those Sel-help books and will trip you up with your limited knowledge.
3. Chat up her friends or random people when you go out. If you ignore her and chat animatedly to other people around her, she might start getting the feeling that something is up.
4. Forget dates. This is quite hard to do if you're a nice person, but it does work really well. Forget important dates like birthdays, anniversaries and Valentine's Day. Forget to pick her up for dates you've planned in advance as well.
5. No sex, headache. No matter what a horny bastard you are, get yourself a blow up doll or a sock puppet. If you start turning down sex and say you have a headache, she'll soon get the message that all is not right in the Garden of Eden, as no man ever turns down sex, right?
6. Watch movies and TV shows she hates. Change the channel to something you know she hates. You might piss her off so much, that she might break up with you, which is the best thing all round, isn't it?
7. Start playing and listening to music you know she hates. This will make her mad, which will give you a good reason not to return her calls.
8. Take her to a grotty restaurant. Or better still, if she's a vegetarian, take her to an all you can eat meat place, and order the biggest steak medium-rare, so you can enjoy it in front of her with the blood and juices running liberally down your chin. Or, if she's allergic to seafood, take her to a seafood restaurant. Be creative.
9. Hang out with your friends you know she hates. Everybody has friends their partner hates. Make sure you start spending time with friends you know she hates to be around, or who make her feel uncomfortable. Sooner rather than later, she'll start cancelling dates when you'd be hanging out with those friends, and she will eventually just fade away.
10. Avoid touching. No arms around each other, hand holding, stroking her feet, licking her nipples, nothing. No contact at all. Become a frigid friend, rather than a touchy-feely boyfriend. If she does touch you. Shiver subconciously.

So to sum up, let her down gently over time before you make your final breaking-up announcement, which you do in person and in a public place. Be clear and concise in what you say and don't leave any hope that you might eventually come around. Say something like you're not a good fit, or don't have enough common interests, or want different things in life. DO NOT say that her company is boring, she's a shit shag and has pimples on her bum which makes you want to vomit during anal sex. Don't insist on staying friends. End it completely. And, get your stuff from her BEFORE you break up.