How to understand the game of rugby

Not many people know this, but rugby is my all-time favourite sport to watch.  To say that I am a rugby fanatic is the understatement of the year.  I am a crazed rugby fanatic who will get up at 2am to watch my team play.  Now, I am not talking about couch rugby here, the game played on the couch with a teenage girl and teenage boy while mom and dad are asleep upstairs, and they scrum and tackle and grope each other trying to find elusive balls and jiggly bits.  And I'm not talking about women's rugby either, as that is just wrong and definitely not a turn-on for me.  And not American football either as they wear ballet tights and so much padding they look like cartoon characters, and what the hell is it with those helmets?  Nor Aussie Rules Rugby as they just seem to run around like a bunch of chickens with their heads chopped off.  I've watched many games, and although the eye candy is okayish, they just don't float my boat.  It could be the striped tank tops they wear and their ultra-hairy armpits.  Rugby league is getting a little closer but many of the guys playing it are built like brick shithouses, rather than being Greek god types, and their thighs are so big I reckon they've circumsized themselves by chafing their foreskins off.  Nah, for me it's all about rugby union.  There is something about watching the boys run onto the rugby field, that makes my overies bounce up and down like ping-pong balls.  As for soccer or football, it's just a bunch of bloody fairies prancing around and lying on the ground kicking their legs in the air like a cockroach just been sprayed with Raid, everytime someone almost tackles them.  Frigging pansies.  Nope, rugby is played by real men.  Not many men make the grade.

And of course, South Africa are the current world champions.  Just thought I'd add that to piss off the poms, aussies and kiwis.

Rugby is believed to have been started at Rugby School in England in the early 1800's, by some little guy called William Webb Ellis who got bored with kicking the ball in the mud and getting soggy stuff down his socks, so he picked up the ball and ran with it.  There is speculation whether this is an urban myth made up by some yobbos on the piss in the local pub, but somebody took the story seriously, as the rugby world cup is called the William Webb Ellis Trophy.

Anyway, imagine 30 men on the field, 15 on each side, wearing very snug tight-fitting rugby shirts and short shorts, all to show off their bulging biceps, sexy hot manly bodies, and ultra-cute butts, all with testosterone pulsing through their veins, and you'll get the picture.  Highly edible pieces of manflesh, parading in front of your eyes, making any woman go very hot under the collar and slide off her chair in the grandstand at the rugby stadium.  Luckily, cold beer is plentiful to cool you down somewhat.  I do think, that the reason why rugby is played in winter, is because women watching it in summer would overheat and maybe blow a gasket or two.

So, the rugby team is divided into the backs and the forwards.  The forwards are the ones that indulge in pretty intensive foreplay.  They smash and mash each other in tackles and you feel the hairs stand up on your arm in excitement.  When they are naughty and enter the foreplay from the wrong side, a little referee blows his whistle and waves his hands about a bit.  The other side can then get a free kick or a penalty kick between the two upright posts at the end of each end of the field.  The ball has to sail between the uprights and over the bar.  Rather like when you do high jump, only, this is high jump for odd-shaped balls.  Sometimes the ref indicates that there must be a scrum.  This is very highly developed foreplay.  The forwards all assume the position bent over at the middle with their delightful butts sticking in the air - any pillow-biter's dream, and grab old of the guy in front of them's penis, using it like a penal handle of some kind.  The ref says, "Touch, pause, engage," and all the men pull down hard on the penal handles of the men in front of them, and try and push the other scrum backwards, grunting with pleasure at the delights of having their penis's pulled.  The shortest stockiest man on the team is called the scrumhalf.  His job is to throw the ball into the scrum under the feet of the forwards.

In the scrum, no foreplay in complete without a hooker.  The hooker grunts the loudest, probably because he has two men pulling on his penal handle, and tried to hook the ball with his feet, while moving forward and not falling on the ground.  To play rugby, a man has to be able to multi-task.  If the ball is kicked out, or falls over the side-line, the linesman who holds a flag in the air will signal who has the throw-in.  The hooker is the one responsible for throwing the ball into the lineout.  It is an amazing sight as the locks (the tallest of the forwards) fly upwards as if they have special space springs on their boots, and pluck that ball out of the air.   The prop is usually the heftiest guy and is built like a beer barrel and you generally don't want to run into him in a dark alley at night.  For me, the best pieces of eye candy are usually the flank and the 8th man at the back of the scrums.  They have the most amazing bodies and ooo, I get hot and bothered just thinking about them.

The slightly lighter and speedier men with muscular legs and broad shoulders, stand in a line from side to side across the field and are called the backline.  To be a back your legs must pump like that of a racehorse, and you must have 'good hands' and be able to pluck that ball out of the air at speed and hold on to it, even in a tackle.  If your hands are not good enough to be able to caress that ball with your strong fingers, then you'll probably knock the ball on and give the other team a penalty.  This does not make you popular with the rest of your team mates.  Really good backs can intercept the ball when the other team are passing it across their line.

If you get tackled and you hold onto the ball, you are penalised.  You have to pass it back to your team, as your teams forwards stand all over you with their studded boots and rake your back so that you look like you've been clawed by the manicured nails of a very passionate woman.  In fact, the grass grazes on your knees if you go down in a tackle and land on your knees, can result in something that resembles carpet burns.  This could prove quite difficult for a man to explain away - the rake marks on the back and carpet burn knees, if their woman doesn't know they play rugby.

There are a couple of rugby feasts each year.  Every four years, there is a rugby world cup.  Did I mention that South Africa won the last rugby world cup?  Every year the European teams play in a Six Nations Tournament.  And Australia, New Zealand and South Africa field 14 franchised teams in a Super 14 competition.  The Bulls, a South African team, won the 2009 Super 14 competition.  The Trinations is also played each year between the national team from Australia called the Wallabies, the New Zealand team called the All Blacks, and the South African team called the Springboks.  On top of that, other international sides also make tours to other rugby playing countries.

Did I mention that I love rugby?  The physical contact, the rough way the men play, the speed, ball handling skills, the occasional fisticuffs when testosterone boils over, and oh my God, those amazing muscular athletic bodies.  Phew!  I'm overheating again!  Go the Bokke!  That's the cry you have to shout out at every moment of passion from now on.